Kaley Michaels. I’m not calling her out in this.
I’m just recording this down so it’s common knowledge.
I was young. I was naive. I thought we could be friends. I was wrong.
I may have been weird, I may have been slightly creepy, but thats not what this is about.
I had never really felt, anything similar to love at that point. I know now what it really feels like (And believe me it is way different- and way more painful than I ever thought it could be). I don’t even really think I could explain to you what was going through my mind at that point in my life.
You know how the story starts. I show up, I meet everyone, we all become “friends”. I was so excited my first day. It was the first day I met her. It was cold that day. I don’t remember wearing a jacket. But I remember that moment we met. It wasn’t anything special, really. Now if you guys remember correctly, I was idealistic to say the least. I wanted everybody to be my friend. Everyone. So, I jumped tables every lunch. This is when I was able to talk to everyone. Everyone except her. It seems, ever since that first moment we met, she had a certain disdain for me.
Let me tell you a short story: So there I was, sitting with Kaley, Molly, and Olivia. I was too poor to buy lunch, so I took the leftovers from the night before (its not like they were getting eaten anyway). And I’m sitting there with 8 chicken drumsticks that I brought. And I hear Olivia say, “Kaley is a vegetarian.” So me, being the naive child I still was, just throw it away. I said sorry if I offended her, and that I didn’t know. Then I continued talking.
One day, I came to school, and I was in total despair. I said I was going to give up, and that Kaley probably would never like me. But then my “friends” came up, and cheered me on. They said stuff like “She actually likes you, she’s just afraid to show it” and “You’d make the cutest couple”. And of course I believed them. Why wouldn’t I? They are people, just like me. Why would they ever have any ill intention towards me?
I now wish I just decked them in their goddamn faces.
Now, I need you guys to understand, before I came to Pembroke I’d had only encountered two types of people: My People, the people with Autism, the Misfits, the Outcasts; and The Other People. The Other People usually either hated me, or didn’t care. For example, one time a kid lit me on fire. Another time, I was pummeled to the ground for 5 dollars. But that is neither here nor there. So I assumed that when I got to Pembroke Academy, you guys could never have any negative emotions toward me.
So, how exactly has Kaley hurt me, you ask? Especially since I keep bitching about it. Ok, here I go: It was always stressful to go anywhere in Pembroke. The school/authorities never took my side, so if I was just innocently walking around town and someone wanted to have problems with me, it could very easily be blamed on me. And it did happen. When I went to Old Home’s Day (Something my family has been doing since… Forever) I was constantly harassed. “Oh are you here because of Kaley?” No, I always go to OHD, and I’ve been going longer than she has, that’s for sure. “Hey Robert, your girlfriend is over there. Lets go say hi to her!” or even from her mouth herself, the “You don’t belong here”‘s and “Get away from me”‘s. Ok, Kaley, when I’m talking to people, and YOU walk up, thats not me stalking you. That’s you being
a fucking bitch not nice! That’s not my fault that we share “friends”. Its not my fault I wanted to go to a public place. I had a right to be there, as much as anyone else. It was especially hard for me to go, because I went alone. But I did it, for the memory of my Memere. Later that night, I sat by a tree where she used to park to see the fireworks. She loved the fireworks the best, and she was always so nice on Old Homes Day. She passed in 2011, btw. But then, all of a sudden, this group of loud fucking assholes comes up from behind and ruins the moment and all my recordings with their fucking bullshit. Then, up from behind, Robert Taylor comes up and asks, “So Kaley wants to know why you followed her over here, and if you could sit farther away.” I was fucking livid. Really? I was here first, that is definitely not following you. If I was stupid, I’d say you were following me. But whatever, that’s not what really hurt. This is.
So it was early into the school year. First or second week, when I get out of the library. I’m late, as the bell rings and I’m passing whatever bullshit name that House is (Walker? I don’t fucking remember). The school officer walks by, and in my rush to get to my class, when I drop my stuff. I ask for help, but instead the police officer says “Stay where you are, you’re coming with me!” I was shocked. I was a law abiding citizen. Hell, I didn’t even smoke weed when I had like a billion chances to. So, they grab me by the arm, and I drop the rest of my stuff, and I’m stunned. She drags me (because I wasn’t walking) to an office, and tells me to “Sit down and shut up” and that I’ll “be dealt with soon enough.” She then threw in my bag on the other chair. So there I sat. For two. Fucking. Hours. And after all that time I had been waiting in her (May have been the Vice Principal, I don’t know) office, completely still, completely quiet, and just wondering what the fuck was going on, I hear the most bullshit ass story. “So, Robert, the police have a report on you, and that’s why you’re in here today.” I was in hysterics. I was literally dying from the fast pace of my heart that had been going on for TWO FUCKING HOURS. Hyperventilating, I stated I was a good kid and that I did nothing wrong. “Well, they got a call after an altercation on Old Home’s Day. Apparently, Kaley came home crying and bawling, so her mother called.” And I started to calm down. I also started to call bullshit. I sat for 30 minutes while me and Ms.Harisades had to explain to her why the whole fucking thing was stupid, and that I was innocent. It was when she finally believed me, that Ms.Harisades then asked her for us to meet in a group. Talk out our differences. the VP (I think it was her) said absolutely not.
Constantly I was asked “Are you doing this because of Kaley?”. I wasn’t allowed to be my own person. Everything I did had to be somehow linked to Kaley, from where I sit to what I say, to where I go, to what I eat. They drew all these fake lines, saying that literally all my actions were because of her. I’m walking down a hallway, but the only reason why is because somehow, I’m following her or some shit. I got accused of being a stalker because we had the same classes. Yes, the classes I could not avoid going to. It’s not because I actually wanted to learn, or had work to do. Everyone was convinced that everything I did had to do with some manufactured obsession. And everyone did everything in their power to reinforce the whole facade. It got so bad that someone stole my iPad, went on my Facebook and sent a whole lot of strange messages to her and a lot of other people. Just to try and reinforce that I was this obsessed weirdo. Of course, I didn’t find this out until much later.
Another time we got scheduled together in a class. Me and Chris and Kaley and Olivia. And when I got called down to the office they acted like I did something wrong. “How dare you move into a class with her in it” as if I wrote the goddamn schedules. So they told me that I was going to repeat a year of math because she requested I be moved. And I was shocked. Who the fuck does she think she is, to remove me from a class that I earned the right to be there. They explained it like this: They would rather have me repeat the year of math, because she was may more likely to be successful. Which is total bullshit. I refused; I told them that if Kaley has a problem they need her to move classes, not me. I didn’t have a problem with her being there, and no one else in my class did. I told them that Kaley needs to act like an adult, and either learn to coexist with me or SHE can move. But they valued her education more than mine; This is what the PA administration said to me. That my education is not their priority, because Kaley is just better than me.
That not bad enough? Ok. I got something else for you. When I went to PA, I was always concerned about how I was perceived. So it came to such a great shock, when one day, we were talking about careers, and I mentioned how I wanted to be a psychologist/paleontologist, when someone said, “You’d probably just be a career rapist”. I was in awe, how not only did no one speak up, that someone would say that about me. And that wasn’t the first or last time people just thought that was me. That I could be something so… horrible, and disgusting. Now, why do I blame Kaley? Because she did everything in her power to ruin my reputation. So much so, that it made me depressed. This was my home. These are my friends. Am I really known around town like that? All I did was like a girl. I never was that creepy. Sure I wrote her some letters, but understand; It was the only way I thought I could communicate. Now you may think its easy, you just have the ability to walk up to anyone and talk to them. I never had that ability. No, I can’t just walk up to someone and talk. Especially when I care so much about how people thought about me. My whole body seizes, because I have no idea what they could say. And that uncertainty scares me, and I have no way to plan what comes out of my mouth. And god forbid I say one wrong thing, and fuck up any hope of any friendship.
So I wrote letters. As for whats in those letters, I don’t even remember. And I wrote them. They are full of flowery language and honeyed words. But they captured a lot of how I was feeling, in a very impulsive time in my life. Now, everytime I had shared any feelings I had ever had, it always came back to bite me in the ass. So I specifically asked Kaley to destroy my letters. And I was serious. If my feelings ever were open to the public, I would crumble. Oh and did I most certainly fall apart. Because one day, Mrs.Cunningham was not in class. So, I walked out, to go to the bathroom (What, is the substitute going to stop me? ME?!!?) And so I walk out, go to the water fountain, and while I’m there I overhear none other than Kaley, reading my private thoughts to her whole class. And all that I heard was laughter, and comments about how I was a perv, how none of my thoughts were genuine. How there was no possible way thats how I really felt, how that its so pathetic how desperate I am, and that this letter was the funniest one yet. So, upon hearing this, my heart sank. Literally. I swear, it’s like my body refused to breathe. It felt that my body was refusing to let me continue living. I went to the bathroom. No sound out of my mouth, no thoughts. I just laid down, curled up in a turtle position, and sat there. I don’t know how long, but when I stumbled into that room again, all it took was one person to ask what was wrong, and I broke. I cried my eyes out, because I trusted her not to be a complete, fucking bitch. But she did. She completely betrayed me. And no one was ever going to do anything about it. Oh, cause I’m not a victim. Quite the opposite; I was viewed as the aggressor. Some predator. I began crying, but as soon as I did that I started clawing at my eyes. Because I didn’t want to be seen as weak. I couldn’t be weak; I was taught to be strong. But I wasn’t strong that day. Celia and Mercedes convinced myself that I wasn’t completely and totally worthless. That there was a little hope. And that was enough, to keep me going. To keep me alive. Again.
When we had PYL, I had the same one with Kaley. And Mr.Benard found it often funny to suggest we be grouped together. Because in PYL, its crucial to learn to work with people you don’t get along with. So we were out and about, and I ask her, “Why do you hate me?” I offered to to make changes to myself. Now, this is definitely something I know now not to do; someone should love you unconditionally. But nonetheless, the offer was made, and it was shot down. I wanted specific reasons. Because should I ever want to be with anyone else, how would I know what I’d be doing wrong or right? So you want to hear the answer I got?
“I hate you because… you’re different.”
Who. The fuck. Says that. All that I was, was different. That was me, that was my identity. Something I could never change. That somehow, I fell in love with someone, who, at the very idea of what I was, cringed in disgust. And I saw no way out. So, at the end of the school day, I waddled over to the bridge to Allenstown, looked at the falls, and asked myself, was my continued existence worth the burden I am. I mean, if I just cause everyone I love pain, why be there in the first place, ya know? So I thought. My father would definitely miss me. But I doubt he’d wait long before he saw me again. After all, if I am the main driving force behind his life, and I die… There really seems to be no other option there for him either. My mother would save money, since feeding me is like feeding a teenage elephant. My brother didn’t look up to me anyway. My sisters weren’t in my life that much anyway, so while my passing would certainly wound them, its not like they knew me as a person. I was just, there. Only one thing save my life that day, in all reality. If I was wrong- you know, that there was a God, that there was an afterlife, I didn’t want that nothingness. That sheer, impossible stop of existence. To this day, I still fear it, and it often has kept me alive. But to think, she was responsible for making me go that deep down that path. But I couldn’t hate her; I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
Now I have this long list of other shit that happened, but I am really tired. I don’t want to write it, so I’ll give you my conclusion. The whole point of this. She is responsible. But in a way, so am I. Because, I now see that I don’t think I loved her. I loved the fact that finally, I had the chance to be loved. I had the opportunity to love and be loved. Something, that I had never experienced before. Someone, in their mind, could actually want to spend time with me, simply because I’m me. They look at me, and see some amazing person. Someone could willingly spend their time with me. I was drunk in the absolute ecstasy that I wouldn’t be lonely anymore, and that I didn’t have to force the friendship. Like, If I went to prom at PA, I would never have gotten a date. Because of her. And the consequences of her actions against me. But like I said it’s a shared fault. Between the both of us.